Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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