everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
