omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
