Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
