god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
we're so committed to being not committed
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
