Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
