Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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