we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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