how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
