I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
