if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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