So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
