Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
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