I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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