Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
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"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
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