Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
