new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
