I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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