So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)