The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
