3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"