After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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