sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
did i walk over a car last night?
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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