life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
