batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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