On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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