After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
