we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
