I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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