I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
