I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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