soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
