Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
