we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
