Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
