I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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