I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Randomize
