yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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