i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
