A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
