i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
