no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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