I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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