Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
