Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
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