my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
