....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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