the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
