I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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