I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
