I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
