i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize