it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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