just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
