I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
