She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
