you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
