dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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