Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
