WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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