Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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