If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
